He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
