I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
how does that bad decision feel?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
