i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
