my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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