I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize