GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
