i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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