I murdered the dance floor call the cops
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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