couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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