The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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