omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
