I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize