Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
