Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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