the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
