I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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