You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
