He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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