If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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