my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
