Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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