Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
