Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
PS: I just woke up from my shower
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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