i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
