o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
there is puke in my bra ... again
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
