worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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