I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
