Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
