just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
