My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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