Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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