Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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