thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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