It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
this will be a night to untag.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
