Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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