from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
