only if we run a train.
done.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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