i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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