On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
