Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
