I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
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