I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
