Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
