He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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