We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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