A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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