Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
