i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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