i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
