The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
