Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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