My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
