apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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