i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
