We won't sleep together?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
